Who's that girl?

Recalling what I wrote before (and I want to break-free from it) in my love affairs and obsession.

"The reason why I bring him up in this post is because of his comment on my tendency in communicating (especially with him or other ppl that I think are highly respectable). I have so many feedback on my speaking and communicating skills today that I want to record it so badly for my future reference. That's why I'm writing this now ^_^. Bear with me, will you? It was his comment on my tendency to talk to myself a lot. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mentally healthy, I just have this old habit of thinking too much, some ppl call it: being thoughtful:D or maybe in chinese 自言自语(zi yan zi yu = speak one's thoughts aloud, think aloud). It will show up whenever I'm in a midst of deep thoughts or in the middle of understanding something (or in a remorse:P). I wasn't in my best spirit this morning, so this old habit just appear out of the thin air without any notice. He also told me to ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONs. I have always wanted to become a person who can ask the right question at the right time without portraying much ignorance. I always hold back my question 'coz I think TOO much ("I can find the answer if I search more by myself, let's not bother him by asking this silly question"--> said the voice at the back of my mind) OR I couldn't phrase my question OR when I don't know "what I don't know". Are you following my trail of thoughts here?"

I DESPERATELY NEED TO BREAK-FREE FROM THIS KIND OF MINDSET IF I WANT TO BE HAPPY AT WORK!!!!!!!!

To my surprise, there are no such things called SILLY QUESTIONs when you come to the unknown working world; the world where you know very little about, the world where you are still an infant. AND you also have to know what are the things you don't know and ASK!!!

For goodness sake, I don't like the girl that I've become today. I'm in the middle of nowhere, wondering what I've done wrong and why on-earth I become like this. I am unsure about a lot of things, explaining situation to my friends that only make me feel more miserable. How I wish that they read this, and I can save my energy by not having to explain the same story over and over again. Each time I did it, I felt like I'm only a bitter girl with a lot to complain about and has lost control of the mere thing she has, herself. Who's that girl?? I don't know her anymore.

When I said I'm back to square 1, I really mean it in every aspect; even my confidence and values are like so old-fashioned that I can hardly survive if I still hold on to them, including this one bit of i'm-being-resourceful-thus-i-want-to-research-things-myself-before-i-ask-questions-and-i-don't-want-people-to-think-i'm-stupid-by-asking-silly-questions kind of attitude. Gosh, it's like a SLAP on my face when I realized that I've done the wrong thing by playing my old game back in highschool and university. I was still the girl wearing that graduation gown back in July and sitting for exam for the sake of getting that A4 paper with a plaque that said,"Congratulations Class 2008". Graduation is just the moment to re-evaluate yourself and prepare for the unknown world with lack of experience to begin with. All we have is the smug confidence for conquering the educational world with little knowledge on that other world where we are called the "work force", "employees", "working adults", the kind-of-exciting new label after 16 years of having "STUDENT" stamped on our forehead.

To survive in the working world as a complete newbie, YOU MUST ASK QUESTIONS. Ask about everything that you don't know...Don't overthink or over-research it beforehand, coz' it is just a waste of TIME!! The problem is, I wasn't use to asking questions without doing my homework first (or is it the right move to do, which one is correct? shouldn't you do your homework first? to know for just a bit? what do you think?). I need to think and think and think first before I even know what to ask (to not sound very ignorant), apparently it's not the acceptable concept to begin with. The fast-paced working world won't wait for you to grasp and know everything, the deadlines won't wait until you know every single thing and completely sure of what to do. You will either do it on the run and swim, or you think too much and drown. I wouldn't want to choose the latter, so what I have to do is to break-free from this proven but old kind of mindset where it is only applicable yesterday (in that safe, slow-paced wall of education), but not today (where I'm standing at). So I have these two options now:

1. To ask as many questions as I can whenever I'm not sure, no matter how silly they are, or

2. To do a thorough research first, and only ask the right/smart questions (after spending hours/days researching), or

3. To do just a bit of research to show that you're not ignorant. The rest of uncertainties, just ask and ask and ask with no hesitation (I choose this)

NB: sometimes the thing that holds me back from asking is that I don't want to bother my colleagues or my boss because they seem very busy all the time, that's why I tried to figure things out myself and ended up being very slow or did the wrong thing. Anyway thanks Len, for pinpointing where I did wrong and bringing up the nasty facts. It was a total slap on my face. So now, I have to knock and knock and knock on that doors more frequently and be persistent. Jotted that down!!^_^

I also figured out several others things that I've done wrong and one of them is that,

I've been very hard on myself, setting the bar so high that I suffocated and could hear myself screaming for help. Being the girl that has this I-don't-like-to-share-my-experience-verbally-coz'-noone-is-interested-or-listens-to-my-story or unless-someone-ask-i-don't-need-to-tell-them-my-story kind of attitude (which I have to break again, gosh, old habit dies hard eh?), I was very quiet at times and never let my angst or complaints loosely out. I think before I talk. I always thought that complaining and being bitter has only negative impact to your mood. They don't solve problems and there's high chance that you'll feel even more miserable after complaining. Plus, you also let someone else take the burden of having to hear your complains over and over again, they'll get sick of it and your complains will only add on to their many other pre-existing problems. "I don't wanna hear your complains anymore, just shut up!!" is the kind of reaction that you can most likely get. Thus, this kind of thinking has made me keep things or complains to myself. I pretend that everything's OK when they are NOT. And I've become very good at hiding my true feelings. I know that it's bad to keep everything (especially anger and complains) to yourself, and this is another habit that I need to break. I have options now:

1. To share, let loose and do not be too hard on myself (I choose this, one of my favorite ways of sharing is through writing), or

2. To stay in this destructive habit...

Sometimes, all we need to move on is just to change our own paradigm, how we view ourselves and the world. I believe there's a unique and limitless potentials in us if we have the courage to break-free and change for the better.

For now, I shall act on these decisions. Re-discover myself and prepare to welcome the return of that confident girl with big dreams and determination whom I used to know. Never stop praying and hoping for the good days to come once again!

Bises,

Sien

*is charging up, fingers crossed